The Benefits of Giving

All too often we run through life wondering what's in it for ME: Why me? What about me? When will that happen to me? And all of this ruminating about ourselves can get us down, stressed out or self-absorbed. Charity work is a wonderful way to get out of your "me" rut and give back. And I have the perfect charity event for you:

Please join us for the most exciting event of the summer....

"An Intoxicating Night Of Beauty" Benefiting Imerman Angels and The Second Annual Meredith Carroll Memorial Golf Outing

Thursday, July 31, 7-11pm

Aberdeen Chicago

1856 W. North Ave.

Enjoy a gorgeous all male waitstaff, delicious appetizers, $5 Effen Martinis, $2.50 Miller products, and complimentary massages, skin care and cosmetic consultations. The first 50 people in the door will receive goodie bags. All tips and a percentage of the skin care and cosmetic products sold will benefit Imerman Angels and the 2nd Annual MCM Golf Outing.

Please email Colleen Duffy at colleendffy@yahoo.com to RSVP and be put on the guest list. Attendees on the list pay $5 at the door. Attendees not on the list pay $10 at the door. ENTRY IS NOT GUARANTEED even if you are on the guest list! This is a first come, first serve event. Come to eat, drink, shop, mingle and relax...see you there! :)

Not only is this event going to be a blast, it will also benefit one of the hottest charities in Chicago, Imerman Angels. Imerman Angels is a fantastic charity that connects cancer survivors with cancer "fighters", people actively battling cancer. It's a free service and they are doing incredible work. This event is also very personal for me as Meredith Carroll is my friend that I lost in high school. Hope to see you there!

Free Makeovers!

As some of you may have read in my last post, I've been struggling a little in the last couple of weeks in terms of my happiness and stress level. I know how important self-care is and I know that self-care made the last few months a bit more bearable. So in celebration of self-care, I am offering free skin care consultations, free "facials" and free makeovers! I can do this just for you or for you and a group of girlfriends who could also use some R & R. :) Email me at colleendffy@yahoo.com with "Free Makeovers" in the subject line if you have questions or would like to schedule one. Happy Pampering!

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

I realize that, once again, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. One of the last times I wrote, I talked about the idea of Getting Your Priorities Straight. In that post, I indicated that as of June 1, my life would be significantly less chaotic. As of June 1, I was supposed to have a job, my dissertation was supposed to be completed and I was supposed to be finished designing my online statistics course. It all sounded fantastic in theory; however, the reality of the situation was much different than I had anticipated. As of June 1, my chair signed off on my dissertation, but just a few days later one of my readers decided that there should be changes made. As of June 1, the job that I was most interested in rejected me and the job that I was hesitant about made me an offer. And as of June 1, the faculty member that was supposed to give me feedback on my online course still had not given me any revisions on my work. So, clearly things were not going according to plan and that, my friends, stresses me out like crazy.

Change is very difficult for me and always has been. So the fact that nothing was going according to plan was tough. Throw on top of that the fact that my entire life is changing big time in the next 3-12 months (e.g. - graduation, total financial responsibility, getting married, having a morgage for the first time, yada, yada) and I have pretty much been a wreck. I've been having nightmares (always a sign for me that I'm not handling my stress well), crying WAY more than usual, feeling sad/blah and being pissy with my unconditionally understanding and sweet fiance. NOT GOOD. I had a bunch of decisions to make, nothing was certain, everything was in flux and it was taking a toll on me, to say the least. But today I believe I reached a turning point....

Today I accepted the job I still have reservations about. I was scared to death to take it, fearing that it would be too stressful, too much time, not enough money, but I was sick of feeling the way I was...so I accepted the offer. That was Decision One. After I accepted the offer, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Suddenly I had the motivation and energy to do all of the things that I had been putting off, like laundry, cleaning...and my blog. As I was doing the laundry, I was thinking about what I wanted to write. I realized that I wanted to write the truth...that I've been struggling and feeling incredibly flawed. That I haven't been adhereing to any of the stress/time management techniques that I write about on this blog. That at times during the last couple of months, I felt like a fraud even writing anything. Who am I to offer advice about staying calm, keeping perspective and reducing stress when there have been many nights where I've been reduced to a crying mess?? And to think of telling everyone that...revealing my weaknesses and being authentic...what a scary thing. This was Decision Two and clearly, you know what I decided.

I AM NOT PERFECT. I don't know how many times I'm going to need to tell myself that over the course of my life time, but apparently I need to hear it a bit more. I AM NOT PERFECT. What scares me more than not being perfect though is letting everyone else know that I am not perfect. Sometimes I get frustrated because I work on myself so much - my profession requires that of me - but then I expect, unconsciously of course, to be perfect. "If I'm working this hard, surely at some point in time this won't be an issue for me." But maybe that's just not true. Maybe we work and we get better, but our soft spots will always be there and they'll sneak up on us from time to time. So today was a valuable lesson in something that I've known for a long time and tell my clients all the time: feel the fear and do it anyway. I am still very scared of this job and what it will demand of me, but I took it anyway. I felt - no scratch that - I FEEL very vulnerable writing all of this, but I'm doing it anyway. I am not perfect and I never will be regardless of how much time I spend self-reflecting or reading thought-provoking books. The only thing that I can do is keep working towards my highest self knowing full well that there will be days, weeks and hell, sometimes even months where I won't be my highest self...I'll just be good ol' me. But I'll keep trying anyway. Check out Martina McBride's song "Do It Anyway" that inspires me whenever I struggle with this huge challenge...enjoy :)

"Are You Biased?"

The Red Eye just had a fascinating article in it the other day titled, "Raise Your Hand If You're Biased." It went on to talk about new research that indicates that while overt racism is scarce, subtle/underground/unconscious bias is still alive and well. I'm wondering if other people read this article and how it made them feel. Did you feel offended because the article suggested that even well-intended open-minded people still harbor racist beliefs? Did you feel guilty because there are times when you notice those beliefs in you? Did you feel relieved because someone said it aloud?

In psychology graduate school, especially the school that I attend, we talk about diversity a lot. At first it felt uncomfortable to talk about race, gender, social class - everyone is terrified to be misunderstood or to accidentally offend someone - but the more we talked, the easier it became. We talked about our experiences and how we have been treated based on some element of difference, but we also explored our own biases and stereotypes. Again, very scary to really look within and then put words to beliefs you don't even want to admit that you have. So if this process is so scary and difficult, why did my school have entire classes with this being the sole purpose? Because awareness of our own biases is the first step toward reducing them.

The Presidential Election coming up in November will be a fantastic time to begin challenging yourself as an African American male and a Woman are potentially in the running. Who is your candidate of choice? Now if you say John McCain, the question becomes: WHY? Now your first response may have to do with the war in Iraq, foreign policy, or the climate crisis, but look deeper. What are your thoughts about women? How about Black men? What messages did you get about either of these groups growing up? What do media images try to tell us about these groups? How much interaction do you have with each of these groups? When you have had meaningful interactions, have they been positive or negative? These are just a few of the questions you can ask yourself to begin to explore your biases.

So what do you do when you find them? Be aware of them. Be especially aware of them when you're interacting with someone who falls in a group that you have some stereotype about. The other really important thing you can do is learn. Check out http://www.whiteprivilidge.com/ for a definition of this important concept and think about how it relates to you. Then check out the White/Majority Identity Development and/or Racial Identity Development. Where do you fall? Are you denying that racism still exists in America? Do you know it exists and feel angry about it? Are you open to learning more about it? In a time where the world seems be losing its collective mind, its always comforting for me to know at least I can work to improve myself. When we stop breeding hate, the world will be a better place in which to live. So, as Gandhi said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”

Losing Someone You Love

An old friend of mine recently lost her younger brother. He had just turned 18 years old and his death was senseless and tragic. He left behind his beloved sister and her young daughter who adored him. It is an absolute tragedy in all regards. While, thankfully, I have never lost someone in my immediate family, I can relate to my friend's pain through my experience of Meredith's death. It was one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences of my life and I can say with certainty that it took years to recover from.

Looking back, I'm not sure anyone could have given me advice that would have made her death less awful. So once again, I'm reminded of the power of being in the moment and accepting that moment for what it is. The pain feels insurmountable...so don't try to surmount it. The pain feels like it will never go away...so don't run from it. Does that feel unbearable some, if not most, of the time? Absolutely. But that is the only way to truly recover from a catastrophic loss. People do all sorts of things to deal with pain - they ignore it, bury it, numb it, internalize it, externalize it - they do anything and everything to not FEEL it. But the only way to get to the other side is to feel it and trust that you can handle it. And lots of love and support from friends and family is always good too. If you need a therapist to help you work through your grief, check out: http://locator.apa.org/.

"Some People" is something that I found tremendous comfort in after Meredith's death. It helped me re-frame my relationship with her and her untimely death. Maybe it will help you or someone you know....

"Some People"

Some people come into our lives and quickly go

Some people move our souls to dance

They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon

They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts

and we are never, ever the same.

~Author Unknown

The Dangers of a Survivor Mentality

I love the Chuck Swindol quote, "Attitude" and I try to live by it as often as possible. But there was a time in my life where living by that quote in a misguided way got me into trouble. Ya know that whole perfection thing that I struggled with? Where I had ridiculous expectations for myself and was incredibly disappointed when I fell short of my enormously high expectations? Well the "Attitude" quote was definitely a part of that. You see, like everything else in life, I believe that nothing is all good or all bad. Anything taken to an extreme starts to cross into dangerous territory. And "Attitude" for all of the wisdom and insight it possesses, has that potential as well. The extreme way that I took it was that since I can choose my attitude and it's the only thing I actually have control over, if there is ever a time where I am crabby, sad, ungrateful, etc. that wasn't Ok. I should be choosing to be happy. I should be choosing to be grateful. And since I obviously wasn't, I beat myself up for that. I took "Attitude" to mean that I had to be perfect and so in that way, I used "Attitude" as a rationale to be incredibly hard on myself.

There's another danger in "Attitude" though. The other danger is that you use "Attitude" as a rationale to be incredibly hard on others. If you're not careful, you may start judging others for being "victims". You may start accusing individuals or, worse yet, entire groups of people of taking on a victim role and not doing enough to help themselves. And the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality is bad news. Judgement in general is bad news because it's an over-simplification at best and aggression towards others at its worst. The second you begin to focus on someone else's attitude, someone other than yourself, you are losing the point of "Attitude". Not only that, but you are also losing compassion and a part of your humanity. Why would I make a strong statement like that? Because when you judge someone else for being a "victim" or not choosing the "right" attitude, you are choosing to forget about all of the times that YOU acted like a victim. It's a lot easier to notice other people's humanity than it is to recognize our own right?

The point is that "Attitude" is a wonderful philosophy and an admirable goal to strive for. But that it is. It is a goal because it is not possible to embrace a survivor mentality and positive attitude 24/7. Life gets in the way. As humans, we will always get tripped up from time to time. We will always do things we later regret. "Attitude" can be the path we strive to walk on the majority of the time, knowing full well we will eventually stray. When we do stray, we should simply notice it and get back on the path. And our own path is the ONLY path we should be concerned with because it is the only thing we have control over. "Attitude" should not be used to judge yourself or to judge other people. But when "Attitude" is used appropriately, it can bring a tremendous amount of happiness.

Getting Your Priorities Straight

This is the first time in awhile that its been over a week since my last post. And if there's anything I have been told about how to create a successful blog, its to write quality posts more days than not...and this week I haven't done that. Remarkably, I haven't even beaten myself up over it! But I wanted to reflect on why I haven't posted. On the surface, I've just been busy - plain and simple. But when I really started to think about it and be honest with myself it boiled down to priorities. A lot of people I know - my friends, my family, my clients, and sometimes myself - act as if EVERYTHING is their #1 priority. Walking the dog = getting eight hours of sleep = working out = keeping up with family and friends: all equally important. Which is fine as long as that lifestyle isn't making you crazy. But in my book, when everything is equally important, that creates a lot of pressure and a lot of stress. I have to prioritize otherwise I start to lose my mind...which is what started happening last week.

Currently, I am working a full-time job for my last year of graduate school, I am trying to finish my dissertation, I am designing a online statistics course that I will begin teaching in July and I am looking and interviewing for my first real job when I graduate in August. And all this stuff is in addition to beginning to look for a condo to buy, working my business on the side, writing for my blog and...what was the other thing?? Oh right...GETTING MARRIED. I'm tired just thinking about it. So I had a couple options: 1) Try to do everything perfectly and consequently make myself and everyone around me totally insane or 2) Get my priorities straight. I chose option #2. And last week, my potential new job, dissertation and online course had to come before anything else.

Were there plenty of nights where instead of watching Dancing With The Stars and having a glass of Melbec that I could have been calling friends, working on my business, or writing a new post? Absolutely. But instead, I made my priorities, I stuck with my game plan and I took care of myself along the way. And ya know what? As of tomorrow, I will find out if I get this job. As of next week, my online course will be good to go. And as of June 1, my dissertation will be done. Setting your priorities WORKS. So get your priorities straight. You don't need to create a to-do list for the entire year. Figure out what's important in the next week and then do it. Don't take on any more than that and hold yourself accountable for the goals you set for yourself. And that will also leave you with some time for YOU, which is not only fabulous, it's necessary. So I do apologize for my inconsistency this past week. I'm not perfect and I can't do it all. And that is perfectly Ok by me. :)